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Pie Club 2014

It's still a knockout

Following on from the roaring success of 2013's event, we have retained the knockout format (take note UEFA), and welcome back one of Pie Club's founding fathers to take the reins. Thanks to JC for helming us so splendidly since 2009.

The sixteen finalists in our tournament draw have been selected by applying a comprehensive formula, based on variables including but not limited to: historic performance, number of previous appearances, and likely availability.

Look out for misfiring motifs, boozed-up inners, acid indigestion and shattered dreams...Bring on the pies!

Quarter Final - Morrisons Signature vs Heston's Spiced Shortcrust - 8th Dec 2014
It is with some trepidation that I approach the third Close-Shave Quarter™ today. Pressure is mounting on the Club from all sides; the purist party are enraged at the admittance of Hestons weird science snack, the hipsters are like totally losing it for Blumeys gear (could be the tangerine sugar sachet), many of our weight-watching readers are enamoured with the 20% lighter intake from each pie, and Dexter Morgan thought hed slaughtered away the last stain of Waitrose from this honourable competition (see Readers Pies page).
The most compelling argument Ive heard for its inhumanity is that it takes a couple of days to stop your flatus functioning as a Febreze Apple and Spice Air Spray.
With each clamouring lobby hammering on the walls of our internet, and my duodenum fearing the next rumble in the jungle, lets play on
Morrisons Signature Dish Heston's Spit the Dog Terrine
Morrisons Signature Dish Heston's Spit the Dog Terrine
Morrisons Signature Heston's Spiced Shortcrust
Bradfords dictionary corner have given the thumbs up for a double use of infused on this stylishly-lit, purple pleaser. Someone should have told the pie lid, as his faded dcor remains humble, but likeable all the same. On closer inspection I see these quirky, flat, divisive fellas hail from the lowlands of Holland. That little bag of sugar is starting to make sense. Since I last exposed myself to these pies, I have rarely stopped tasting them, but that could be halluncinatory. As could the small arms and legs they appear to have evolved in the last 5 days.
Match Report
Perfectly nice MozSig pastry seems almost sorrowful when forced to clatter into their electrically engineered flavour foe.
Unabashed, the Yorkshire battlers throw out some lip-smacking port tones to inform their exemplary mouth mash. Their punch is as accurate as it is festive, Black-Eye Friday in a foil case.
Hestons faces up to the impressive retort with a soft and insistent chin-mover, undeterred in its pursuit of rewriting the mincemeat bible with crazily-mixed spice instead of Moses and a rose water Red Sea. In the end though, how much you like this Dutch master depends very heavily on how regularly you enjoyed that Dentyne Cinnamon Gum and its Dr Peppery ilk in the 1980s.
Ploughing on to pie end, the heady mixture of MozSigs liquors and Hestons medicinals leaves me giddy and ultimately satisfied by both modern Colossi.
And the winner is: Morrisons Signature. A fine figure of a pie. Hestons fascinates at first, but once the initial excitement wears off you are left with nothing in common.

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Quarter Final - Asda Extra Special vs Lidl Luxury - 4th Dec 2014
In an absolute treat for Pie Club aficionados, the last two Pie Club champions meet today in our Close-Shave Quarters™. You may recall that this is a repeat of 2013s last quarter-final in which Lidl only managed to edge it by virtue of neither manager wanting the game to go into Extra Pies.
Will the eventual winner come from this match-up this time around? Will the tie go into Extra Pies? Will Daniel ever get fired by LordSirAlan? Will I ever get round to my Christmas shopping? Sorry - ignore the last two questions, I shouldnt lose focus like that. Its the cholesterol talking.
Asda Extra Extra Special Lidl Luxury, economically stable
Asda Extra Extra Special Lidl Luxury, economically stable
Asda Extra Special Lidl Luxury
Purple of box and playfully punctured, AES shows enough to warrant a couple of minutes just staring. What has happened to all the pastry stars that have been removed? There arent many denizens of the deep fill that stand as broad shouldered as LidLux. An imposing figure this year, given the substance in their recent historic performances. Hes looking a touch pale, but that could just be the time of year.
Match Report
Port impacts on the nose at the foot of a long and buttery AES mouthful, but LidLux eschews such frippery on the first bite, preferring to solicit cheers from the sweet-tooth crowd.
The very same gormless candy-caners are bewitched by AES once the toffee level chew gets into second gear. Glucose syrup seems to be on everyones arm at this ball, but if it keep the vines, apples and spices content, then I say play on.
LidLux arrive with their own syrup courtesan, and this time shes spread even thinner, chasing the usual suspects plus glace cherries and the odd aloof almond.
The extra work for LidLuxs sugary sweetheart certainly reduces the depth and power of each fruity moment, and AES may have saved their big gun to use at this perfect opportunity. A thunderous volley of heart-warming ordnance slams into this dance hall crystallized ginger has arrived. The analogy is in tatters, as are my tastebuds.
And the winner is: Asda Extra Special. Despite Lidls bandwagon being in full flight, my instinct for genuine pleasure doesnt often desert me, barring that Hale & Pace box set, and I stand by my man Pru Leith.

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